By Rachel Miller
Don't you just hate transvestites! They're all a bunch of faggots, wearing skimpy, outrageous costumes and cruising the bars looking for sex all the time. Every one of them is a Godless abomination. They're just plain evil. They're not only low class but mentally ill as well. They don't deserve any rights. They should all be locked up to protect society, especially our children, from this dangerous and depraved menace.
That is how many people see transvestites or cross-dressers. Such a stereotypical view is an oversimplified belief that assumes every member of a group conforms to an unvarying pattern and thereby lacks any individuality. Without any connection to such a group, it is easy to hate them all. As James Russell Lowell said, "Folks never understand the folks they hate." You may think that you don't know anyone in the transgendered community but you probably do. Unless you live alone in a cave, someone you know is likely to be a transvestite who is afraid to tell you for fear of rejection. Society says there is something wrong with us, so we hide the truth. You live right along side us and never know our secret. I hid so well, that of the 60 people closest to me, including my wife, none of them had any idea that I was a cross-dresser. They were all very surprised when I told them.I don't fit very neatly into a box simply labeled, Cross-dresser! While cross-dressing is a part of me, it is only a part of who I am. I wrote this poem to explain that situation to my family and friends.
Do You Love Me?
You know me as a person who has strong spiritual beliefs,
Who loves his wife and is committed to his marriage,
Who values family and friends and
Who feels that being a grandfather is one of the greatest experiences of life.
You know me as a person who loves children and childlike things,
Who is sensitive, caring and compassionate,
Who believes in personal responsibility and
Who is committed to working hard and doing a good job.
You know me as a person who enjoys good food and fine wines(Plus beer, pizza and ice cream),
Who brings humor to the workplace and elsewhere,
Who works at physical conditioning and enjoys roller-blading and
Who loves animals, especially cats.
You know me as a person who is discovering a love for theater and thearts,
Who is learning to express his enjoyment of decorating, colors,fabrics and textures,
Who wants to be accepted and loved just as he is,
So, do you love me?
What if society does not accept part of me but I do;
Will you still love me?
What if I need to expose the truth about me to be at peace inside;
Will you still love me?
What if I take a chance and become vulnerable by disclosing my story;
Will you still love me?
What if I told you that I like to shave my legs and wear a skirt;
Will you still love me?
Because we had strong relationships on different levels, everyone I told responded with support and acceptance. They all reaffirmed their lovefor me. They didn't understand much about cross-dressing but they knew I didn't fit the stereotypical mold so they were willing to learn. Late, some told me that they found themselves making friends with people who were different in other ways.I know many cross-dressers and they are all unique individuals. They are good and bad, nice and not so nice, just like any other group of people. Because of the fear of losing everything they have become as good at hiding asI was. Your husband, brother, best friend or coworker could be a cross-dresser and you wouldn't know. Would it be safe for them to tell you? Would you treat them as individuals or would you respond with the anger, fear and hatred described earlier? Will you try to understand?
Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom:
And with all thy getting get understanding.Proverbs 4:7
--------------------------------------------------
Notes:1. I will present a spiritually oriented seminar at the Holiday EnFemme in Houston on Friday, November 12th. Part 1 is "What Does The Bible Tell Us?" -- A logical refutation of the legalistic approach based on Deuteronomy 22:5 including a study of God's love and compassion. It focuses on His grace that frees us from all condemnation.
Part 2 is "Finding An Accepting Church Home" -- A discussion of the practical aspects of finding a church that accepts people as they are. It describes steps you can take and denominations that are more open to transgendered people.
2. The complete series of Our Gender Family newsletters is available on my web site http://members.aol.com/rachelmill. The extremely popular series of articles published in The Femme Mirror is also there along with those written jointly by Marsha and me for The Sweetheart Connection, a newsletter designed specifically for the spouses and significant others of transgendered people. I'm sure you will find interesting reading in this widely acclaimed material.
3. My community best seller, The Bliss of Becoming One! encourages transvestites to integrate their feminine and masculine traits through understanding and self-acceptance. It encourages revealing our true selves to our loved ones, helping those in need in the community and educating society. Signed copies are available for $15 postage paid from Opportunities for Improvement, P.O. Box 31475, Oakland, CA 94604.
The men trudge in grim-faced. There's no joking about Dilbert, no bragging about sexual conquests, no cheering about the World Series. They are painfully aware of the critical importance of these MS-DOS meetings. As Carl approaches the podium silence envelopes the room.
"We all know the problem; what we need are solutions. Saying men can't wear dresses while ignoring women wearing pants has been getting progressively more difficult to defend ever since Rosie the Riveter took over our factories in '42. And comments about confusing God's plan for the separation of men and women actually comes off as sexist and works against us.
"The best approach seems to be the fear angle that we talked about last time. We've got to convince women that cross-dressers, transsexuals and gays are infiltrating their ranks and undermining womanhood and women's rights. We've got to make women believe that men in dresses and other "female" clothing are dangerous to them. We've got to make women afraid of these people. Then we can claim that we are defending women -- We aren't against men in dresses; we are against what the conspiracy of men in dresses is doing to degrade womanhood. That's the high road, that's the strategy. Now, what tactics might be effective? Yes, Bill..."
The discussion intensifies as the magnitude of the problem and the price of failure become clearer. Alan drifts off in thought...
If we could only go back to the good old days when we kept women barefoot and pregnant. They were happy with any small concession we gave them. Now they're taking senior management jobs and telling their husbands to help clean house and take care of the kids. They've not only got college sports teams but professionals on national television. They are taking over our territory. If it becomes okay for guys to wear dresses and be compassionate instead of wearing pants and being tough, it will just continue to blur the line of separation between us and them. We're supposed to be in charge. Women are supposed to obey us. Oh man, we've got to stop these guys from wearing dresses.
...Alan returns to full consciousness just as Carl wraps up the tactical discussion.
"Okay then. The committee will work out the details of the top five proposals and have them ready for discussion and action next week. It is important that you are here for that meeting. Meanwhile, we must be careful that it never appears that we are trying to preserve our positions of power. Any hint that we are trying to slow the advance of women in society would be a disaster."
Carl paused and the familiar beep-beep of a computer powering up filled the room.
"Remember! Never write down what MS-DOS stands for! Never say it out loud! Only whisper it to another member and then be absolutely certain that no one else hears you. Okay, see you all next week."
The men trudge out, determined to be successful and equally determined to conceal their true goals.
Of course this entire story is fictional. No one cares if a man wears a dress, and there certainly isn't a secret society called Men Say -- Defend Our Superiority. Besides, everyone knows that men have been slaving tirelessly for the equality of women since Alfred Lord Tennyson sounded the drumbeat 150 years ago --
"Man for the field and woman for the hearth:
Man for the sword and for the needle she:
Man with the head and woman with the heart:
Man to command and woman to obey;
All else confusion."
**********
Notes:
1. I will present a spiritual seminar at the Holiday En Femme in Houston on Friday, November 12th. Part 1 is "What Does The Bible Tell Us?" -- A logical refutation of the legalistic approach based on Deuteronomy 22:5. It includes a study of God's love and compassion. It focuses on His grace that frees us from all condemnation. Part 2 is "Finding An Accepting Church Home" -- A discussion of the practical aspects of finding a church that accepts people as they are. It describes steps you can take and discusses denominations that are more open to transgendered people.
2. The complete series of Our Gender Family newsletters featured by the Transgender Community Forum of AOL is available on my web site @ http://members.aol.com/rachelmill The extremely popular series of articles published in The Femme Mirror is also there along with those written jointly by Marsha and I for The Sweetheart Connection, a newsletter designed specifically for the spouses and significant others of transgendered people. I'm sure you will find interesting reading in this widely acclaimed material.
3. My community best seller, The Bliss of Becoming One! encourages transvestites to integrate their feminine and masculine traits through understanding and self-acceptance. It encourages revealing our true selves to our loved ones, helping those in need in the community and educating society. Signed copies are available for $15 postage paid from Opportunities for Improvement, P.O. Box 31475, Oakland, CA 94604.
4. Your financial support to help defray the costs of these much needed educational efforts is most welcome. Contributions of any amount can be sent to the preceding address. You have my thanks and gratitude for your assistance in this important work.
Once I understood and accepted my propensity to cross-dress, I was determined to end the hypocrisy of hiding that part of myself from my loved ones. I had come out to my wife, sister and a few others with great success in early 1994. I wanted to tell my Mother, but she lived in a small Wisconsin town 1,700 miles away. It was crucial to do it in person and my chance came with a business conference in Chicago in June. I made arrangements to drive up to my Mom's house on Friday afternoon.
My Mom and I have had an excellent relationship for many years. Still, I was fearful of her response. I knew that I couldn't continue to live a lie any longer, yet I had heard enough stories to know that there was significant risk in telling. Much of the advice I had received from well-intentioned transvestites was to NEVER TELL ANYONE! Perhaps my greatest concern was her religious background. My Mom is an extraordinarily devout Catholic and attends Mass daily. I had never heard a sermon that preached tolerance towards cross-dressers so my anxiety level was high.
One thing I had learned in telling others is to take control of the situation rather than letting things happen by chance. So, after a great dinner of fresh lake perch I took advantage of a Wisconsin characteristic and my Mom's one small vice -- brandy. Most people think of Wisconsin as the beer-swilling capital but it's in the consumption of brandy where we are true professionals. In the evening Mom enjoys a brandy manhattan (2 parts brandy + 1 part sweet vermouth for the uninitiated) on the rocks.
My butterflies disappeared with the first drink and the beginnings of courage arrived with the second. Before the third arrived I thought I'd better start telling my story or risk losing the ability to speak rationally. "So Mom, I've got something I'd really like to tell you." I had developed a pattern of presenting a personalized letter to each person we were going to tell. It was designed to establish the desired context for the discussion. Here's a lightly edited version of the one I gave my Mom:
"The big improvements started on Easter Sunday, 1980 when I first attended a new Church and with the help of many, began to discover my spiritual and emotional self. It was the beginning of a long journey to become all I am capable of being.
"Over the years I made great progress. Still, I continued to have difficulty with one area of my life. That one area is often viewed negatively by others so it was difficult for me to deal with it. Finally, on my 50th birthday, I determined that no matter how difficult the process might be, I was going to resolve it.
"My search turned out far better than I had ever envisioned. As a result I feel whole and complete for the first time in my life. My big questioning and searching is over. The best part is that I like the person I found inside myself.
"The attached poem is a way to tell my story in a simple way. What the poem says may surprise you, and it may take awhile to get used to, but it is all positive. I am glad to finally be able to share my feelings with you. We can talk about any parts that you are comfortable in doing.
"Mostly, I just want to say - I love you!
"Your son, Richard"
The poem that I shared with her is an outgrowth of trying to put my cross- dressing in perspective. Without the appropriate context it could appear to be the defining characteristic of my life. While I am a cross-dresser, I also have many other important aspects to my personality. Cross-dressing is just one aspect. I wrote the poem for myself but found it effective in communicating the whole me to others. Here's a copy of what I gave her.
You know me as a person who has strong spiritual beliefs,
who loves his wife and is committed to his marriage,
who values family and friends, and
who feels that being a grandfather
is one of the greatest experiences of life.
You know me as a person who loves children and childlike things,
who is sensitive, caring and compassionate,
who believes in personal responsibility, and
who is committed to working hard and doing a good job.
You know me as a person who enjoys good food and fine wines
(plus beer, pizza and ice cream),
who brings humor to the workplace and elsewhere,
who works at physical conditioning
and enjoys long distance running, and
who loves animals, especially cats.
You know me as a person who is discovering
a love for theater and the arts,
who is learning to express his enjoyment of
decorating, colors, fabrics and textures,
who wants to be accepted and loved just as he is,
so, do you love me?
What if I take a chance and become vulnerable and disclose my story;
will you still love me?
What if society does not accept part of me, but I do;
will you still love me?
What if I need to expose the truth about me to be at peace inside;
will you still love me?
What if I told you that I like to shave my legs and wear a skirt;
will you still love me?
As I handed the poem to her, she started reading and I stopped breathing. At the end she put the paper down and said, "Of course I love you. I don't understand all this, but I love you." She asked a few questions and we talked for about a half hour. Finally she stopped and asked me to follow her into her bedroom. She opened her jewelry box and asked if there was anything I wanted for myself. I was thrilled with her response. I took a necklace plus a locket with my grandparents' pictures inside. Then she opened her closet and asked if I wanted any clothes. I laughed and said, "Mom, we're not anywhere close to the same size but THANK YOU!" We hugged and all was right in my world. No more manhattans were required.
Well, that's my story. What's the best way to start coming out of your closet?
Rachel Miller
(http://members.aol.com/RachelMill)
=========================================================
Notes
While the fishing story was the most popular of these newsletters, the last article on clubs and organizations was by far the most controversial. I placed excerpts of reader comments on my web site attached to the original article. The comments have been edited to remove identification of the author and organizations while retaining the basic thought. My additional observations are at the end. You can view the article at:
http://members.aol.com/RachelMill/ogf_08.htm
The link to the comments is at the bottom of the article.
Once again, please accept my apology for spreading the virus hoax material. I will not fall into that trap again.
P.S. I finally have proof positive of my transgenderism. The day before Thanksgiving I had hernia surgery. That's right hernia, not himnia. It is a bad joke but at least I can laugh again...
1. Grunt, grunt, grunt...no that's not the pig returning but a plea to volunteer your time with a local support group to do some grunt work. Help plan/run an event, join a committee or answer correspondence. Every organization needs more hands so loan them yours. It doesn't require a big commitment, just a small step.
2. Help someone. Many of us are struggling to find answers to questions that you have already resolved in your life. By making yourself available to help them find similar answers you can rescue someone from a life of pain. Marsha and I have started working with Peggy Rudd and SPICE and find it particularly rewarding to be able to help someone in need of support and understanding. We can all share what we have learned.
3. An ounce of prevention is worth... You can have an enormously positive influence on young minds to keep them open and accepting towards us. By talking to a college class you can help prevent the pain from occurring. Many psychology and sociology professors seek speakers who can discuss homosexuality, transsexuality, transvestism and related topics. Many of our organizations provide a speakers bureau and training. You don't have to be a skilled orator, just be willing to speak from your heart.
4. "Out" yourself in a constructive way. Cross-dressers love to pass as women but that does nothing to change attitudes. The public needs to see men in dresses acting just like men in pants. I flew home from the Holiday en Femme in a dress and made every interaction as normal as possible. While there were some giggles, for most people it was a non-event. Our Family needs a plethora (I was just dying to use a big word) of such uneventful encounters. Instead of passing in their new sexual role, transsexuals can let others know that they have had surgery, adopted a new life and are just like anyone else. Gays and lesbians can find more ways to responsibly demonstrate pride in who they are rather than melting in.
5. Or you might...?
As long as we hide, conditions won't change. Don't make a New Year's resolution because they only have a shelf life of a month or two. Instead,
MAKE A WRITTEN COMMITMENT THAT IN 1997 YOU WILL TAKE ONE STEP BEYOND WHEREVER YOU'VE BEEN BEFORE, SHARE THAT COMMITMENT WITH ONE PERSON AND GIVE THEM REGULAR PROGRESS REPORTS!
If each year each of us takes a new step to improve our self-understanding, to help someone in our Family or to educate the public, the cumulative impact will make real progress in the world.
"No man can fight his way to the top and stay at the top
without exercising the fullest measure of grit, courage, determination,
resolution. Every man who gets anywhere does so because
he first firmly resolves to progress in the world
and then has the stick-to-itiveness
to transform his resolution into a reality."
1. Many of us have split our lives into distinct gender compartments and we would be healthier if we became a complete person.
2. Our community exists outside of the mainstream, and we would gain greater freedom to be ourselves if we become an integral part of society.
3. Individuals and organizations often act independently, and we would achieve more if we cooperated fully on joint issues.
Tapestry Journal introduced me to a number of incredibly supportive transvestites who freely gave of themselves to help me. Through their correspondence I found that I wasn't alone, that I wasn't a bad person and that there was hope for me. Their willingness to help made me feel guilty about my self-centered approach and caused me to include other transvestites in my view of the gender community.
As self-understanding and acceptance improved I recorded my observations and my book began to form. During one of the endless manuscript edits I recognized that the principle of integration applied to everyone in the gender community: female-to-male cross-dressers, pre-op and post-op transsexuals, anyone who was transgendered in any manner. Although I only understood the other groups in an intellectual sense it was enough to see that our common points were more important than our differences. My sense of inclusion was growing.
In time came the realization that homosexuals also needed to be added to my view of the gender family. [For a mind-expanding view of this issue read Dallas Denny's article "Heteropocrisy - The Myth of the Heterosexual Male Crossdresser".] Previously I saw great differences between the gender community and the homosexual community but one day I looked at us from the view point of society and realized that to them we are virtually indistinguishable from each other.
Why hadn't I seen our linkage before? Was it my prejudices? I thought that I had overcome most of my homophobic tendencies years ago, but my religious background kept raising possible Biblical implications. I found the two most commonly quoted verses on the issue -
"Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind: it is abomination."
"If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them."
By themselves these verses were horrifying but I remembered Doctor James M. Gray, author of Commentary on the Whole Bible. His advice was to avoid concentrating on small portions of the Bible to draw conclusions. Instead we should use multiple verses to obtain a comprehensive knowledge and place individual verses in their proper perspective. I followed his advice and read all the verses inbetween. They are filled with prohibitions some of which seem rather odd today -
On the other hand there were many other prohibitions that were quite applicable for today that we often tend to ignore or treat as less serious -
I have failed to live up to many of those laws countless times and continue to fall short. How could I pick two of those 59 verses to judge or condemn someone else when the Bible says that God will only forgive us if we forgive others and that He will judge us as harshly as we judge others. It asks why we are so worried about the small indiscretions of our brothers when we ourselves have major problems. The message to me was to worry about how I am behaving and not to be concerned about how others are behaving. [For an in-depth discussion of the religious issues check out Dr. Joseph Murphy's home page at http://w3.trib.com/~murphy/.]
So where does this discussion leave us? Well, there may be separate gender and homosexual communities, but we have much more in common than we have to separate us. It is foolish for us not to work together to achieve our common principle of integration. A good question to ask is - How big is YOUR gender family?
"There can be hope only for a society which acts as one big family, and not as many separate ones."
1. Many of us have split our lives into distinct gender compartments and we would be healthier if we became a complete person.
2. Our community exists outside of the mainstream, and we gain greater freedom to be ourselves if we are an integral part of society.
3. Individuals and organizations often act independently, and we would achieve more if we cooperated fully on joint issues.
The Bliss of Becoming One continues to garner flattering reviews most recently from "the connecticuT View", "ETVC Channel" and "New Age Retailer." My thanks for your continued support.
You can contact us at Opportunities for Improvement, PO Box 31475, Oakland, CA 94604, (510) 935-9594. Marsha and I are available for appearances within and outside the gender family.
This is the first edition of a regular, bimonthly letter. I hope it will become one of many ways we can work together to create a healthier, more unified gender family.
Much has been said about the gender community and whether it really exists. We have a wide variety of people with significantly different views that sometimes leads to bickering and fragmented actions. The best of families bicker, but they also have strong, common bonds that unite them and like any family we share powerful ties.
Society has created a firm but arbitrary connection between sex and gender. That link is the source of many of our problems but it can also be a unifying force. Our greatest common bond is that each of us in our own way is trying to bend, shift, stretch or break that culturally enforced link. That situation ought to provide ample incentive to build our family.
I believe there are three levels at which we benefit from integration rather than separation, and this principle is the core of all my messages -
2. Our community exists outside of the mainstream, and we gain greater freedom to be ourselves if we are an integral part of society.
3. Individuals and organizations often act independently, and we would achieve more if we cooperated fully on joint issues.
Who am I to say these things? I am a heterosexual, male cross-dresser whose feminine side began emerging at age five and has been a significant part of my personality ever since. In addition to a strong desire to wear women's clothing my softer side is also manifested in emotional sensitivity. Society tells me that a man shouldn't indulge in these things and doing so indicates something is wrong. The positive attraction of cross-dressing coupled with societal disapproval taught me to hide my true self by creating my feminine alter-ego Rachel.
At first this appeared to be the solution to my dilemma as it enabled me to express my other side but trouble soon returned. Constantly feeling unacceptable caused such stress that I could not continue to live that way. That trauma finally overcame my fear of self-discovery and lead me on a quest to find answers.
I came to understand the various facets of my sexual and emotional makeup and that society was wrong in labeling men with feminine tendencies as defective. With that discovery came acceptance of myself exactly as I was. In time Richard and Rachel merged, and I found the happiness of being at peace.
While this gave me internal peace it didn't help others. I felt compelled to emerge from my closet, share my story and educate society. My wife Marsha encouraged me to record my thoughts and I wrote a book to share these ideas about change.
Especially today, change is an important aspect of business. One of the primary factors in successfully changing conditions is our perspective or point of view. I design computer systems to improve business processes and would often say, "Boss, we have a PROBLEM!" He insisted that it was an opportunity for improvement. I thought it was a word game until I saw that this view allowed me to concentrate on finding ways to make the situation better. Seeing our tremendous opportunities I decided to focus on solutions.
To heal our pain and suffering and prevent it from entering the lives of the next generation, we must change. None of us can do it alone but each of us can do something. We can all participate because we have common goals that transcend our differences.
Where does the journey of integration for our gender family begin? Here!
When does it begin? Now!
Who makes it happen? Each of us!
"I am only one;
but still I am one.
I cannot do everything,
but still I can do something;
I will not refuse to do the something I can do."
This bimonthly letter is available at no charge via Email only. Pass it on to anyone who may be interested. If you received this from someone and want to receive it directly, send an Email to RachelMill@aol.com. Any part of this letter may be reprinted provided the source is fully credited and a complete copy is supplied to me.
I am Rachel Miller, the author of "The Bliss of Becoming One!" My book is available from IFGE and PM Publishers. A free flyer is available by Email from NAIP@aol.com. The book is also available through bookstores (ask for ISBN 1-56825-031-2), by credit card at 1-800-356-9315 and by check/money order for $15.95 postpaid from Rainbow Books, Inc. PO Box 430, Highland City, FL 33846-0430.
You can contact me and my wife Marsha at Opportunities for Improvement, PO Box 31475, Oakland, CA 94604, (510) 935-9594. We are available for appearances both within and outside the gender community.